A dorm can be a humbling place to live. This week especially God has opened my eyes to how selfish I am, especially when it comes to my belongings. My flesh clings pitifully to material things, hoarding what I have and giving into a strong sense of entitlement that urges me to defend myself in situations I feel are unjust. I clench my fist and stomp my feet when an opportunity comes for me to offer my resources. How easily I forget that these possessions are not even mine. In a way I'm actually stealing them from God because I am not allowing Him to do what He wants with His own belongings. This week I've begged God to unclench my fist and take back what is His. I've had to ask Him to change my heart toward others that His life will flow out of me regardless of how I am pricked. I have begged Him to strip away all selfish that I would not be in agony over petty things. With these request, another struggle surfaced. The sin of focusing so much on asking God to change attributes in myself that I become inwardly drawn, losing sight of my King. How easy it is to be distracted from Jesus even when desiring to be like Him! All God asks me to do is to "seek first His Kingdom and His righteousness" (Matthew 6:33). Yet I insist it must be more difficult. I add to the Christian life complexitites that have never existed. God patiently whispers to me that when my gaze is fixed upon Him "all these things will be given...as well" (Matthew 6:33). When I attempt to change my faults one at a time, not only do I completely miss out on the freedom that springs from the gospel message, but I am left exhausted and frustrated. Psalm 37:4 says, "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart". I read the book Kisses From Katie over Christmas break and it gave beautiful insight for this verse. When we delight ourselves in the Lord it doesn't mean He gives us whatever we want. He does something even better. He changes our desires so they match His. Then He will give us the new desires of our heart. After reading this book and being inspired by the stories it shared I longed for the characteristics that the missionary had shown - joy, peace, patience, love. It seemed to only feed into the insecurities I already had about the characteristics I desperately lacked. I couldn't wait until I could travel to the mission field and experience the hardships that led to developing these traits. God reminded me then that I don't have to wait to be in the center of His will and experience these things- I can choose to be in the center of His will now by forsaking myself and seeking Him. All the attributes I so desperately seek yet cannot attain without focusing on Jesus can be mine merely by turning to Him. How do I turn to Him? Jesus says "I am the vine, you are the branches, he who abides in Me and I in him, he bears much fruit, for apart from Me you can do nothing..." (John 15:5). I cannot do anything - be patient, kind, loving, gentle, encouraging, self etc. etc. when I am not abiding in God. I abide in God by keeping His commands. For when I am seeking Him first, I am giving praise, taking every thought captive and being selfless and patient and all the things I cannot attain on my own. Dear Reader, let us dive into this new year with a renewed focus on Christ and take to heart His promise that when we are faithful in seeking, He is faithful in leading us.
